"You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time."

"I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes."

"They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded."

"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it."

"If dracula can't see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?"

"I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it."

"Fresh clean sheets are one of life's small joys."

"I still believe that at any time the no-talent police will come and arrest me."

"Die, but do not retreat."

"Opera, n. A play representing life in another world whose inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures, and no postures but attitudes."

"Name me an emperor who was ever struck by a cannonball."

"Because we don't think about future generations, they will never forget us."